Growing in Tough Times

Really, is there another way?  I’ll take it. 

This past couple of weeks have been very hard on me.  Maybe you know the details, they aren’t important for this post.  I will tell you that my ideas on parenting are being challenged, but more importantly my faith in God is being tested…again.

I can’t imagine going through life without God, without the hope that He offers.  Knowing that He is in control is so reassuring.  Seeing Him work is awesome! 

If only this would just change me into a perfect, loving, trusting and faithful Christian.  God doesn’t seem to work that way, at least not for me. He is taking His time with me.  As impatient as I am, I know this is best.

During this trial, I have pouted, cried, screamed, hid, cried more and was just miserable.  I tried to pray, but the words wouldn’t come.  I tried to laugh and it felt hollow.  I tried to take care of my family but could not put my heart into it.  I wanted to take drastic measures and burn bridges.  I was upset.

“Oh, well…that’s normal.”  “You deserve a break.”   “You are perfectly justified.”

Right?

Nope.

I don’t think it was outrageous that I cried, it was painful.  But the rest of it was pure selfishness.  Someone else was hurting and I was acting like it was all about me and my pain.  Someone I love more than life. 

How could I be so angry?  Sure, I was worried and concerned about the future.  Couldn’t I have handled it better?  Why is it so hard for me to control my emotions?  I hate when I get so emotional that I can’t be rational.  Truly, I do.

I do not have answers.  I do believe that this is the beginning of growth for my family, especially me. 

I am not “trying to keep it real” here.  I am writing from my heart.  I am so grateful that I don’t have to do this alone.  I know that the Holy Spirit intercedes for me with groans and sighs.  I have a wonderful husband and church family to help me through this.  I will try to document the journey, maybe it will help someone else.

Psalm 46 (ESV)

God Is Our Fortress

To the choirmaster. Of the Sons of Korah. According to Alamoth. A Song.

¹God is our refuge and strength,
   a very present help in trouble.
²Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
   though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
³though its waters roar and foam,
   though the mountains tremble at its swelling.
Selah

⁴There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy habitation of the Most High.
⁵God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
   God will help her when morning dawns.
⁶The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
   he utters his voice, the earth melts.
⁷The LORD of hosts is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

⁸Come, behold the works of the LORD,
   how he has brought desolations on the earth.
⁹He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
   he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
¹⁰"Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth!"
¹¹The LORD of hosts is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah